I can’t explain that void anymore. I used to. Now I think it’s probably been there since I was born…it just feels like it resurfaces every now and again due to some unforeseen circumstances. But it’s always there and it’s always hurting, but like an addict, I keep filling it with useless crap. Passing the time. Making it go away temporarily. But it’s always there and I don’t think it will be truly filled until I stop actively trying to fill it. Stupid. Void.
I wanna dance.dance.dance. I’m addicted to “So You Think You Can Dance.” I’m normally not in to those shows, but watching this season is so inspirational. I just wanna throw on my jazz shoes and get down to business again. PCDC? Hmm…that would mean giving up theatre, so….I’ll probably just try to convince Gannon that one of my final shows has to include a choreographed (and NOT stupidly) dance number. Maybe Winter’s Tale? I’m thinking Bollywood belly dancing? YESH?
I’ve been riding my bike every day. The first day I rode 6 miles. Almost died of heatstroke. Today I rode three. Did not almost die of heatstroke. Trying to come back fit and smoking (but not literally). It’s a more creative and productive non-verbal form of ‘fuck you,’ than the finger.
Not much longer till I move back to Peace. Scared shitless. I’m actually sad I’m leaving home since this will be the last time I’m living here again…hopefully. Though I have entertained the idea of coming back next summer (if I make it to grad school…) and living at the beach and working. That would be amazeballs. Apparently the local govt pays people to live down there and work as beach lifeguards, etc. So, umm. Yeah.
Ben Harper’s been on mind…diamonds on the inside. I’ve been giving that a lot of thought. Maybe that’s how I feel? It sounds exquisite (!)…but really it’s sharp and lethal. And if people knew you had diamonds on the inside, wouldn’t you be a walking target every day of your life? Still one of my favorite songs.
I’ll be glad when I don’t feel so lame anymore. And I’ll be really glad when I learn I don’t actually have to wait.wait.wait….
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Happiness is a form of courage. Or some shit like that.
