oh golly day. im becoming my mother. i’ve been becoming my mother.
no seriously. since i’ve been away and come home again, i see how much alike we are. and i’m oddly happy about it…im not sure what to make of that feeling.
like…she has her issues…and there are things about her life that I don’t envy…at all. and i think i have some of those qualities and i’m not quite sure how to deal with them…and change them.
because in some of the ways that i’m like her…i really am secretly happy about.
because my mom is a beautiful, funny, compassionate, sweet person deep down. and i hope that im like her in those ways. she’s much funnier to me now, in a slightly sarcastic, dark kind of way, than i ever realized.
the way she worries…and analyzes things to death…well, i have that too. i’ve had it for a long time, but i’m worried (ha) that its getting worse. i need to change that. i need to chill the fuck out. and i don’t know if it’s a learned problem…or a legit problem. like a meds type thing?
in other news…i’m debating writing to my dad. well, i’ve been debating this for about 11 years now, and so far, no cigar. but i wonder about him every day…what he’s doing, what he’s thinking, where he’s living, how he’s living, does he have other kids, is he still with that awful excuse for a human being he’s married to, does he think about me too, can i hug him one more time…?
i got in touch with my grandad a couple of years ago…a few letters, nothing in depth..found out my grandma has alzheimers…came close to seeing them again…but chickened out. mom always encourages me to go see him, but i don’t know if i can. and if it’s just opening a whole can of worms i’m not prepared to deal with. which is exactly why writing to my dad is such a huge deal.
saw a lady my mom is friends with at food lion tonight. she was drunk. she’s an alcoholic. she has a husband that dotes on her and loves her completely, three awesome kids, a good job…and she can’t quit drinking. she’s so funny and kind…but seeing her like that tore me up. seeing people in that state tears me up, especially knowing the situation. i hate it. it takes me to a place i can’t explain…just a deep, deep hurt.
uhmmmm happier note….
picked up my dogs today!!!! gave them both baths. lots of snuggles. and i really can’t wait to be back with my bff goucho :( 3ish weeks…
