Oh man, do I FAIL or what at updating this thing? But I have excuses. Soooo…I moved to Raleigh, started classes, started working at an internship, did a play, partied a little, went camping (had a fucking blast), had a birthday, saw an opera, and tomorrow I buy a new camera. I’m at home now for Fall Break, which is fine-I’m getting a break from school at least. But I have a ridiculous amount of school work to finish up. And I’m starting rehearsals again Monday. Fuck me. I didn’t mean to sign up for all this. Oh and I’m addicted to this guy who drives me insane and makes me incredibly happy all at the same time. So that’s what’s going on in my world.
In other news, I’m contemplating dropping off the Facebook universe. It seems really stupid to me now. And I get caught up and angry about comments made by stupid c*nt whores that really don’t even matter at all. But it makes me wanna do and say things on FB that would really sink me to a new low. I’m tired of that temptation. And I’d also like to delete certain people but it feels rude. So instead, I could just drop my facebook, then go on hiatus, then add only the people I want later. Am I a little nuts? Yes? Es posible. It takes up too much of my life. So does Perez Hilton, but I can’t delete him.
That’s it for now.
Last day of the beach for the summer. I think. I’m pretty sure I’m moving to Raleigh on Friday. I need to get my school supplies in order and packed. I’m pretty excited and nervous. More nervous. But I’m trying to take a hold of my life and just live it to the fullest extent possible. And be happy. No matter what.
Pretty sure there’s nothing good chocolate, a good vibrator, and good weed can’t fix.
This statement should actually be credited to a former student of mine. I’ve taught her well. This is pretty much my birthday wishlist.
In other news…I got my ass handed to me today at work. I worked a double, waiting tables at the busiest of the two shifts. I made dinero, but at a cost. I screwed up pretty much every table’s order. Please cross your fingers I do better tomorrow.
I was just going to say something about sleep (which I’m about to do) and the creeepy song from “My Sister In This House” popped in to my head:
“Sleep, my little sister, sleep…”
(Shudder)
One’s real life is often the life that one does not lead.
so.angry.must.not.explode.
i hate being ignored. intentionally ignored. i understand people are busy. but i know that i am being ignored, treated as if my concerns are the product of an overactive imagination.
so i think i’m probably just being led on. for five months now. i think anyone in their right mind would have thrown in the towel after a couple weeks of this. glutton for punishment, i am.
im just filled with a whole lot of hate and hurt these days. i’ll be glad when that’s over.
need to memorize lines. wah.
going to get some new glasses tomorrow.
celebration tomorrow. friend finally getting the hell out of eliz. city.
work.work.work. the rest of the week. at least that will make it go by quickly.
shopping today with mom. new stuff for dorm :)
she’s so mopey now that she just realized i’m leaving for school soon. i must have been a pleasure to be around for once. imagine that.
hmm…no boyfriend (regardless of who it is) = good, happy relationship with mom. decisions, decisions. guess i’ll always be her little girl.
will be extremely happy once my friends are within my grasp. even if that means i have to go to class again…bleh.
I can’t explain that void anymore. I used to. Now I think it’s probably been there since I was born…it just feels like it resurfaces every now and again due to some unforeseen circumstances. But it’s always there and it’s always hurting, but like an addict, I keep filling it with useless crap. Passing the time. Making it go away temporarily. But it’s always there and I don’t think it will be truly filled until I stop actively trying to fill it. Stupid. Void.
I wanna dance.dance.dance. I’m addicted to “So You Think You Can Dance.” I’m normally not in to those shows, but watching this season is so inspirational. I just wanna throw on my jazz shoes and get down to business again. PCDC? Hmm…that would mean giving up theatre, so….I’ll probably just try to convince Gannon that one of my final shows has to include a choreographed (and NOT stupidly) dance number. Maybe Winter’s Tale? I’m thinking Bollywood belly dancing? YESH?
I’ve been riding my bike every day. The first day I rode 6 miles. Almost died of heatstroke. Today I rode three. Did not almost die of heatstroke. Trying to come back fit and smoking (but not literally). It’s a more creative and productive non-verbal form of ‘fuck you,’ than the finger.
Not much longer till I move back to Peace. Scared shitless. I’m actually sad I’m leaving home since this will be the last time I’m living here again…hopefully. Though I have entertained the idea of coming back next summer (if I make it to grad school…) and living at the beach and working. That would be amazeballs. Apparently the local govt pays people to live down there and work as beach lifeguards, etc. So, umm. Yeah.
Ben Harper’s been on mind…diamonds on the inside. I’ve been giving that a lot of thought. Maybe that’s how I feel? It sounds exquisite (!)…but really it’s sharp and lethal. And if people knew you had diamonds on the inside, wouldn’t you be a walking target every day of your life? Still one of my favorite songs.
I’ll be glad when I don’t feel so lame anymore. And I’ll be really glad when I learn I don’t actually have to wait.wait.wait….
…
…
…
Happiness is a form of courage. Or some shit like that.
“Love is like a Rubix Cube, there are countless numbers of wrong twists and turns, but when you get it right, it looks perfect no matter what way you look at it.” _Brian Cramer
I think we tried our best. I really mean that. I believe we did what we thought was easiest on us. The truth is it would never have been easy. One moment in time can catapult an entire life in a different direction. And that’s what’s so hard about it. You can’t go back and change a moment in history. It’s there forever. All you can do is take what you know and decide how to move forward from there.
Hindsight is a lot better than 20/20. It’s more like 20/10.
With that said, the past is always left to interpretation by individuals. So maybe it has nothing to do with sight at all, and everything to do with how we process things internally. How we experience the truth and explain it in our own minds so that we can understand it in our own unique way. Or I’m just full of shit, which is usually the conclusion you’ll come to.
I wish you weren’t so hard on me.
I took a bath tonight. Usually I take a bath to relax, forget about things, or mull things over so they’ll become clearer.
Tonight I took a bath just so that I could splash water out of the tub again. It was nice and catastrophic.
oh golly day. im becoming my mother. i’ve been becoming my mother.
no seriously. since i’ve been away and come home again, i see how much alike we are. and i’m oddly happy about it…im not sure what to make of that feeling.
like…she has her issues…and there are things about her life that I don’t envy…at all. and i think i have some of those qualities and i’m not quite sure how to deal with them…and change them.
because in some of the ways that i’m like her…i really am secretly happy about.
because my mom is a beautiful, funny, compassionate, sweet person deep down. and i hope that im like her in those ways. she’s much funnier to me now, in a slightly sarcastic, dark kind of way, than i ever realized.
the way she worries…and analyzes things to death…well, i have that too. i’ve had it for a long time, but i’m worried (ha) that its getting worse. i need to change that. i need to chill the fuck out. and i don’t know if it’s a learned problem…or a legit problem. like a meds type thing?
in other news…i’m debating writing to my dad. well, i’ve been debating this for about 11 years now, and so far, no cigar. but i wonder about him every day…what he’s doing, what he’s thinking, where he’s living, how he’s living, does he have other kids, is he still with that awful excuse for a human being he’s married to, does he think about me too, can i hug him one more time…?
i got in touch with my grandad a couple of years ago…a few letters, nothing in depth..found out my grandma has alzheimers…came close to seeing them again…but chickened out. mom always encourages me to go see him, but i don’t know if i can. and if it’s just opening a whole can of worms i’m not prepared to deal with. which is exactly why writing to my dad is such a huge deal.
saw a lady my mom is friends with at food lion tonight. she was drunk. she’s an alcoholic. she has a husband that dotes on her and loves her completely, three awesome kids, a good job…and she can’t quit drinking. she’s so funny and kind…but seeing her like that tore me up. seeing people in that state tears me up, especially knowing the situation. i hate it. it takes me to a place i can’t explain…just a deep, deep hurt.
uhmmmm happier note….
picked up my dogs today!!!! gave them both baths. lots of snuggles. and i really can’t wait to be back with my bff goucho :( 3ish weeks…
Love horoscope for Monday:
“You are experiencing a lot of confidence right now, Libra when it comes to your romantic affairs. Now is the time when all eyes are on you, and you are experiencing the moment you have been waiting for. If you are attached, this is going to startle your partner somewhat, but this situation will put your relationship on a level that neither of you may have imagined. Single? A dramatic situation is likely to unfold today, and at first this may perplex and confuse you. Rather than dwell on what could have been, stop and just enjoy the moment, and see what manifests itself through the drama. If you expect the unexpected today, you will not be disappointed.”
Dear Lord Baby Jesus, I don’t know if I can handle another dramatic situation, as the one that has been ongoing has been enough. I’m scared to think of ways to enjoy whatever moment is supposedly manifesting itself. Maybe, let’s hope, it’s all wrong. Most of the time they are. This particular site, though, often gets things right.
Got home from vacaaaaaytion today. And it was so fun. Had a dream come true = behind the scenes tour of a sea turtle hospital + aquarium visit!!! The turtles were truly amazing. Most of them had been found on the coast of SC and had been injured by boaters. Some had illnesses like pneumonia. But three (!) were being released back into the wild today because they made a full recovery. For a sea turtle hospital that only holds about 10 turtles at its max, three is a huge success. I wish I had the guts to be a vet or a marine biologist sometimes. But I know how competitive the field is, particularly when it gets to sea life, and even narrower…sea turtles. Cause who doesn’t wanna save a sea turtle?
Moving ooonnnn…lots of funny things happened on this trip. And it was one of the few that was truly fun and drama free. Lots of good food, reallllly hot weather, a carriage ride, drinks, sight seeing, etc.
We tried to take a bus tour out to some other islands but the air con wasn’t working and a lady passed out about 10 min in. Caaaancel. On the way down we stopped at a McDonald’s in Hertford and first we saw about 20 VERY elderly people playing Bingo inside while chowing down on McGriddles and wearing vests that said “Bingo Babes.” Then the cash register sign said, “We’re sorry, we no longer accept $100 bills.” And I wondered how many people carrying $100 bills were coming to the McDonald’s in Hertford, and can I meet them?
Welll….preparing for another week of…umm…work (hopefully)…and some SERIOUS line memorization. G man already started with the emails. I’m praying this show won’t be like the last four person show…or most of the Peace shows with so much behind the scenes drama. I just want to get through ONE show without a catastrophe in the cast. Lord Baby Jesus Joseph and Mary. Amen.
It was on my fifth birthday that Papa put his hand on my shoulder and said, ‘Remember, my son, if you ever need a helping hand, you’ll find one at the end of your arm.
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